


once upon a midnight dreary

by jennycaakes



Series: you're gonna be my bruise [1]
Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Background Relationships, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 14:43:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14404296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennycaakes/pseuds/jennycaakes
Summary: Simon and Lilette stay late to run lines, but he'd really rather talk about something else.(aka: Simon tells Lilette about the kiss.)





	once upon a midnight dreary

**Author's Note:**

> takes place the day before "and i can't, i just can't" - mostly wanted to write some lilette to try and get her voice down but also wanted some friendship stuff in there. always love me some background rilette, stay pure and wholesome my kids

“What did you mean?”

Lilette looks up from her script but only for a second. “Sorry?”

“When you said it was like I was trying to prove something,” Simon elaborates.

The stage is quiet between them.

It’s late. They’re still having their night-rehearsals while Lilette and her mom adjust to their income shift, but the two of them have made it a habit to stay after everyone else has left. Simons knows that Lilette isn’t in a hurry to get home, and truthfully neither is he, and working on the play is a good excuse to stay out longer.

Still, it’s later than their normal late, and this question has been in the forefront of Simon’s mind all night.

“From… the drug store?” Lilette asks.

Simon jerks his head into a nod and Lilette falls quiet again. All of the dark empty space surrounding them on the stage makes it feel louder.

When she sets down her script, the sound it makes against the hardwood echoes like a crack in a tree branch. She’d started off trying to run lines, just like she does every night, but it feels like the two of them hardly get to see each other anymore and their extra-practice once everyone else had left mostly turned into the two of them catching up.

Simon’s been laying on his back for a long time, looking up at the ceiling and thinking about that night at the steel mill. Along with the confusion of all of _that_ , he keeps replaying his conversation with Lilette over and over again in his head from when he went to pick up a pack of condoms.

Lilette was right. That Simon was trying to prove something. But he doesn’t want to admit it, not yet, so he waits for her to answer.

After some maneuvering, Lilette ends up lying on the ground beside him. “I don’t know,” she finally answers.

It’s easier to have this conversation when he doesn’t have to look at her.

“You don’t like Annabelle,” he prompts.

“It’s not that _I_ don’t like Annabelle,” Lilette says, dragging it out. He waits. “It’s that I really don’t think _you_ like Annabelle.”

It’s not even that Simon doesn’t like Annabelle. He does. He’s clinging to the part of him that does. But that kiss with Jeremy--

No. He can’t even think it. It just makes all of this so much more confusing.

Lilette doesn’t talk for a long time after that and Simon almost thinks she’s fallen asleep until she lets out a soft breath. “You know I love you,” Lilette says. “Right?”

“I know,” Simon answers. Because he does.

“Through absolutely anything,” she adds, and Simon still knows it to be true. Lilette, when she loves, is fierce and all-consuming. Simon loves it about her. He doesn’t know how he managed a spot on her team, but he’s thankful for it. “No matter what happens.”

 _He knows_. Then why is this so hard? If he has Lilette, who else matters?

Simon swallows. “So you think I’m trying to prove that I like Annabelle,” he says, returning to the previous subject, which in ways is actually still this subject.

He doesn’t have to look at her to know she’s pursing her lips. “In ways…”

“Why would I do that?” he asks.

Lilette pauses again, like she’s thinking about how to phrase whatever it is she’s going to say. Simon almost wants her to butcher it. It would be easier to tear her apart if she stumbles over her words. Easier to brush it off if it sounds inarticulate.

Of course, she’s brilliant. There’s a reason why Lilette’s his best friend.

“Regardless of how you feel,” she starts slowly, “you have a lot of pressure from other people to be seen a certain way. With you and the switch with St. Francis Prep… and with your character…” She’s not trailing off because she doesn’t know what to say, Simon realizes, she’s trailing off because she wants him to figure it out for himself. Not that he doesn’t already know, but at least she’s not treating him like he’s an idiot. “Annabelle helps calm all of that down in whatever way feels important to you. And you hate confrontation. It makes you twitchy.”

Simon huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“It just makes everything easier on you,” Lilette says. “To be with her. To make it real. Which I get. If I could press a magic button and get a ton of bricks off my shoulders, I’d do it too, I guess.”

“She’s a great girl,” Simon says again.

“Okay.” Lilette turns then so she can look at him, propping herself up on her elbow. “What do you like about her?”

Simon’s brain stutters. “What?”

“She’s great,” Lilette says with a nod. “You’ve told me so a dozen times. But I know a lot of great people that you’re not suddenly trying to have sex with, so she must be special. What do you like about her?”

Simon opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to find words that might not even exist. The longer it takes for him to come up with something, the higher Lilette’s eyebrows rise on her forehead.

“Tall,” he finally says.

Lilette laughs. “Tall? You like Annabelle because she’s _tall_?”

“I’m tired, Lilette,” he mutters, swinging his arm over his face. “I don’t know.”

Part of Simon wants Lilette to end it there. To stop pushing the subject. But Simon also hasn’t told anyone about what happened with Jeremy, and he feels like if Lilette keeps pushing here, _now_ , maybe he’ll tell her. And then maybe they’ll talk about what he’s trying to prove. And maybe things won’t be so scary all locked away in his head.

“Hey,” Lilette says suddenly. Simon swings his arm from over his eyes to look at her again, but sees that she has her phone to her ear.

“Hey,” Simon hears, knowing it’s Robbie on the other end. The smile that finds Lilette after he responds makes Simon’s face feel warm. “You never texted me that you were home, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Oh, gosh, yeah. Sorry, I’m still at the school.”

His voice is loud because of how quiet everything else seems to be. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah. I’m with Simon.”

“Ah, right, right.”

“Sorry,” Lilette says again. “I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“No, I forgot you two were doing that. I’m just headed to bed is all.”

Robbie’s voice gets softer then, so soft that Simon can’t hear, and Lilette exhales a laugh. She looks happy. Genuinely happy. If anyone deserves that, it’s Lilette. “Yeah, yeah,” she says, also soft. It’s always good to see this side of her. “Okay. Goodnight Robbie.”

She hangs up her phone and turns to look at Simon, her face all shades of pink.

“That was cute,” Simon says.

Lilette’s smile is so wide it looks like it hurts. “Stop it.”

“It was!” She laughs again and Simon turns away back to face the ceiling. “I’m happy that you have that. You deserve it.”

Lilette’s laughter fades. In an instant, his smile is gone too.

“So do you, Simon.”

“I don’t know.”

“I do.” Simon turns his head away from her. “Sleeping with Annabelle,” Lilette says, sounding desperate, “is not going to give you what you want.”

“And what do I want, Lilette?” he asks.

When their eyes meet again, neither of them speak. He wants her to say it, but he knows she never will.

“If you don’t feel that way about her now,” Lilette says, “you won’t feel that way about her after.”

“What is it you think I want?” Simon presses again.

 _Say it_ , he pleads.

She doesn’t. “I’m not going to put words in your mouth, Simon.” Lilette pushes herself to stand. “Maybe we should go home.” She extends her hand to him and soon, Simon’s on his feet too. In silence they start to gather their things, but before Simon can get too far Lilette snags the back of his shirt. “Just…” she starts. “Whatever it is you’re so afraid of,” Lilette says, “I’m here for you, Simon.”

“I know,” he says. “Really, Lilette.”

“We won’t be stuck in Stanton forever,” she says.

“Jeremy kissed me,” Simon returns. He nearly winces at how Not Smooth it was. Her hand drops back to her side and her lips part in surprise. “A few days ago. In the parking lot.”

Her face gives away nothing about how she’s feeling which doesn’t really help the anxiety building up in Simon’s chest. “Spring Awakening related?” she asks.

“No.”

“No?”

“No,” he says again. “He wanted to know if I felt something. When I was with him.”

Lilette’s face is still scary neutral. “Do you?” she asks. Simon tries to take a step away bit Lilette reaches out quickly, grabbing his wrist. “Hey,” she stops him. “Simon. You don’t have to answer that.”

 _I love you. Through absolutely anything_.

She’s his best friend but Simon’s still so fucking afraid.

“It’s too much,” he settles with. The feel of Jeremy’s lips against his own, the urgency that arose the second their mouths met to deepen the kiss, the feelings that lingered after, persistent and needy but warm. Those feelings were _too much_ when he wasn’t allowed to have them. “So it doesn’t matter.”

“What do you want, Simon?” Lilette asks.

 _I don’t know what you want_ , Simon had said.

He lets out a short breath, shrugging a little. “I guess I just want to stop feeling like this,” he answers.

Sad and small and afraid. It didn’t used to be so complicated. Finally she lets go of him and lets him step away. Simon drags his hands through his hair and reminds himself to breathe. This is Lilette. Right? She doesn’t care about the things that everyone else cares about.

Before he can even turn around to say something else, Lilette strides toward him and wraps her arms around him from behind. “What do you need me to do?” she asks.

Simon turns in her grasp and hugs her tightly. Her arms shift to be above his shoulders and hers around his waist and they just stay like that, holding one another in the silence of the auditorium.

His voice is wet as he tells her, “This is enough for now.”

“Okay,” she says, and her voice sounds wet too.

Eventually they untangle themselves from one another, and somehow they’ve both agreed, without saying anything at all, that no more words are needed for the night. They check the door like they promised Mr. Mazzu they would before heading out to Simon’s car. The ride to Lilette’s is quiet too, but she lingers once he parks.

Neither of them are sure what to say.

“I’ll text you when I get home?” Simon finally offers.

Lilette smiles. He wonders if she’s thinking of Robbie. “Please do.” She leans across the gearshift and kisses him on the cheek. “Night, Simon.”

“Goodnight.”

He waits until she’s inside before he drives away. After Simon gets home and checks to make sure his sister’s asleep, he sends a text to Lilette that he’s safe before climbing into bed himself. His phone dings right away and Simon squints, surprised she’s answered so fast, when he realizes it’s not from her at all.

 **Annabelle  
** You up?

Simon’s heart tugs in a way that he’s not a fan of. Instead of responding, he closes the thread and scrolls until he finds another.

 **Jeremy**  
I get it if you never want to talk to me again  
I’m so sorry Simon I wasn’t thinking  
will you just let me know that you’re okay?  
I just want to know that you’re okay

Simon lets out a long breath. He squeezes his eyes shut and types out a response to the messages from a few days ago he couldn’t bring himself to answer.

 **Simon  
** I’m okay.

After a moment he opens his eyes to find the (...) pop up.

 **Jeremy  
** I’m really sorry Simon

 **Simon**  
I know. ****  
I’m not mad. It’s okay.  
Really.  
Goodnight Jeremy. I’ll see you tomorrow?

It’s insane how hot Simon’s face gets at Jeremy’s soft and simple response.

 **Jeremy  
** absolutely you will

Simon clicks off his phone and sets it aside, immediately rolling to face away from it. In the dark of his bedroom, alone, he lets his smile split his face in half.

Hopefully soon he’ll be able to smile like this in the daylight.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @madgesundersee or twitter @lovelyminty!


End file.
